3/30

Kerry says she thinks I should call the projects myself to see if I can find a match. She's my VISTA recruiter. She says the projects have been trying to get hold of me but can't. I don't see how that can be since I'm the receptionist here, but I said I'd call.

One of the projects is Literacy, based out of Phoenix. Ain't no way I'd move down there; it's just a pit like LA. But I guess there are placements state-wide with this one. The other project is based in Winslow, and it's working with Native Americans. That one I'm for sure interested in. I'm not really sure where that is, but it's near the Navajo reservation. I tried to call but I guess it's too late now 'cause no one answered.

I told Mick about the projects and he seemed happy for me.

4/2

Got hold of the Indian project and they sounded interested. If this match doesn't work out then I'm bagging VISTA. I applied in July and moved out here to AZ in October in anticipation that placement would happen soon. I'm a damn fool 'cause I could've saved a good sum of money by now if I'd stayed with my job. I was just so burnt, man. I couldn't take LA anymore. I just had to leave it, and my job, and Brian. I felt old and beaten. I couldn't stand losing anymore, watching the Commission approve building permits I'd recommended for denial. What was the point of my being there?

Anyway, I guess my planning background might come in handy, 'cause this Indian guy is going to come down here and interview me. I'm jazzed about it. I'll probably show him around site a little bit since he mentioned he always wanted to visit Arcosanti, but hasn't. I'll have to fish in the lost and found and see if I can find a skirt to wear.

4/10

Well, things are clicking into place. The interview went well. I wasn't really too sure who to expect, but I recognized two Indians pretty quickly. We walked around site and I showed them the new construction and the bell foundries. Bernadette demonstrated the ceramic casting for them, and I think they really liked that. I didn't give the best tour.

Mick was surprised to see me in a skirt. It definitely wasn't the prettiest thing, but I looked more presentable then a typical resident here. Everyone seems to pride themselves on looking scruffy these days, and I guess it makes sense when you'll just get dirty on the job. All the same, Del (the Navajo guy) said he'd talk to me later.

4/15

Kerry said things look good for my PSO. That's some kind of training all VISTA's have to go through before our year begins. It stands for pre-service orientation, and apparently I'll meet people serving throughout the state and elsewhere in this region. It's in San Francisco and I'm stoked. I already called mom to see if I can stay in Nana's house in the city. It's a great old place.

5/1

I picked Mick up at the Winslow train station last night. He was coming in from Albuquerque where he'd gone to look at UNM. I guess he didn't like it. I was late to meet the train - Winslow is further from Arcosanti than I thought. I saw the train heading east towards Flagstaff when I passed it somewhere near Two Guns. Anyway, when I got there, the parking lot was dark and deserted, and there was a figure in a cowboy hat loping towards my car. It kind of freaked me out, but then I flashed my brights and saw it was Mick. He bought the hat in Albuquerque and thought he looked pretty damn good. Fool.

There are tons of hotels in town, so we found one that looked a little nicer than the rest (most of them are total dives) and checked in. Mick said the counter guy was really friendly, asked where we were from and everything. I don't like that. Don't volunteer any info to strangers, but Mick's sociable that way.

So today we looked for a place for me to live here in town, and ended up finding something across the street from the train station. It's tiny and expensive for the space, but it looked clean and it's close to work. I shouldn't have to drive. It took some searching to find a place - there's not exactly an abundance of housing, and the cheap places to live are disgusting. I can't believe they make code. The landlord had a little boy and Mick played catch with him while I looked over the lease. I didn't have to leave a deposit, which was cool. Very trusting, I'd say.

5/11

Well, I got all my stuff to Winslow. Mary Anne and I drove to San Diego, where Brian helped us load my stuff into a U-Haul. It was bittersweet seeing him again, knowing I was making this final break. We were arguing, and I dropped my CD's on the ground, and the jewel boxes shattered. He bought me those CD's the last Christmas we spent together. Well, the CD's survived. I guess they're shatterproof.

Mary Anne and I got back to Arcosanti, and then Mick rode up to Winslow with me. Hell of a lot of driving, some 550 miles +/-.

5/19

Here I am in San Francisco. Actually, I'm south of the city, staying in a convent where the PSO is held. I had to stay here, but I'll go to Nana's for the weekend. Mom apparently knows some of the nuns here, so I'm going to try and do lunch with them. Mom says one of them visited us when we lived abroad, but I don't recall.

I left Mick at Arcosanti and cried all the way to the airport. I don't know when I'll see him again, if I'll see him again. The landlord in Winslow asked me if my brother was going to live with me, and I laughed. Yeah, brother, lover, they're all the same.

I was so upset from crying, I got a humongous cold sore and I look like a leper. Aside from that, life's grand.

This PSO thing is dull, and the vast majority of people are older than me. I thought this would be all recent college grads, like me, but there's only a handful of us. A lot of these people are low income and already live where they'll be serving. I was really surprised. I kind of laughed when I noticed that the other women my age didn't shave either, it's like some solidarity - be granola and be a VISTA.

5/25

First day of work today. Was okay, kind of exciting to meet my new associates. They're all Navajos and speak English with an accent. I never thought of English as a foreign language for Native Americans, but I suppose it is. I really just looked around, and talked to people. Met Del again, and the woman who'd come down with him to interview me. She's the other VISTA and her name is Loralie.

The weekend in SF was good. It was Carnival so a lot was going on. Uncle Pat lent me his bus pass and I rode all over the city, but didn't take any cable cars. Too touristy. Staying in Nana's house was weird. It was so empty and quiet. The boxes we'd left behind from last summer still littered the front hall, and I resisted the urge to go through them again and salvage some memories. I picked up that straw hat Uncle Tim had gotten in Tahiti, but it was too small and I had no use for it, so I put it back. Uncle Pat let me into the house but couldn't stay. I think it was too disturbing for him to be where his mother and brother had lived and died.

I met this guy at Carnival, and we danced a little bit 'cause his lover was in the band and couldn't join him. This one street in the Mission was blocked off for the weekend bash and there were bands up and down the street. The guy asked me where I was from and I said, "Winslow." This was met with peals of laughter. I don't even know why I said that because I could be from anywhere - pick a city. But I said Winslow, my new home. Looking around town, I can see this will be an adjustment.

6/7

Father's Day. Early this year. Winslow's idea of a cool gift for your dad is a gun. There are gun sales all over town. YEE-haw! Rednecks. Exercise your right to shoot defenseless animals and people and call it sport!

Loralie invited me to a picnic she'd planned for her family. We went to Canyon de Chelly. Mick and I were there in March - that was where we had that big argument where he hit me and bruised my ribs. It was a good thing Jim was there that day to stop him from going berserk. It wasn't a fun experience. But today was.

We went four-wheeling through the canyon floor, and I held this precious little girl in my lap and tried not to fall out of the truck bed. I smashed my Ray Bans to bits when they got caught between my back and the cab. Pisser. The guys were flying - these three truckloads of Navajos and one white girl, all screaming with delight, and in my case, fear. I was petrified I'd drop that little girl and my life would end in tragedy.

I really loved it when we stopped at the creek and all went splashing in and pushing each other down. That was near the White House Ruins and all these white tourists were looking at me with a mixture of confusion and envy. I loved it. It compensated for the misery of the last two weeks.

Work is dull so far - I hang out and read the paper. I have been experiencing some of the most painful loneliness imaginable, plus I miss Mick terribly and haven't heard from him. He left Arcosanti when I did and is back in Michigan now. Loralie hasn't had too peachy a life either and hearing about it has been running me down. But today was great.

6/14

Went to a bar this weekend. Figured I had to start getting out and meeting people. Everyone I work with lives out on the res and they've got families. They're not free and single like me.

Friday I went to a bar in Flagstaff and it was okay. I was feeling awkward, but there was a newspaper on the bar, so I opened it and started doing the crossword. The bartender helped me some, and we watched this video of him rock-climbing - a friend had just given it to him. There was a blues guitarist at the bar, and a lot of people just looked at him and didn't talk. Later on, I met this couple on their honeymoon. It was a little strange for me, but okay. At least I got out.

I guess I didn't leave Arcosanti very often when I lived there, and now I feel weird being around large groups of strangers. It's almost like I've forgotten what it's like on the "outside." I have to carry keys again, and drive places, and I look at outsiders with wariness. This from a girl who crawled LA's underground clubs. I've been living under a rock!

Saturday, I ate at Denny's just 'cause I'm sick of cooking already. I've been trying to bake my own bread and eat lots of veggies, but it's such a hassle to do for one person.

6/24

Loralie doesn't understand why I live so far away from my family. I can't get her to understand that I've two siblings in Europe, and two others in the east. It doesn't matter where my parents live, we'd live elsewhere because of jobs or preferences or whatever. The world isn't such a big place with phones and airplanes. We are probably closer because we live apart.

Family is so important to the Navajos. Even when your uncle's stolen money from you or your brother's beaten his wife, he's welcome home again. I don't know if we have different views of family because she's Indian and I'm white, or because she's lived in one place her whole life and I haven't. I think that family only plays an important role when you grow up near extended family, and that wasn't the case with me. We just had our nucleus, and that exploded.

7/2

I've been looking for a car because I think mine's a little worse for wear from towing my stuff from San Diego. I think the transmission's got problems again. Anyway, I think I'm going to get this Tercel I saw in Flagstaff. It only has about 5K miles on it.

It's stick. I remember Dad showing me how to drive stick, briefly. Sitting in the driveway, and saying "clutch, gas, clutch, gas." I really didn't want to learn then. That was seven, eight years ago, and I had the one half-hour session before we moved on to the automatic and he expressed his disappointment in me. So be it. His own expectations cause him to find disappointment in me.

But now I think I want stick. This is the best place to learn it since there are only a few stoplights in Winslow and nothing to hit. Plus I'll get more power from an otherwise wimpy car.

7/8

Bought the car and went to get some pizza to celebrate. I went to this place on San Francisco street in Flagstaff and had a beer to boot. Such extravagances for a VISTA. Mom and dad are going to float the loan since I don't qualify. It pisses me off that I can belong to a credit union for years and they can take my money but refuse to give me any. It's absolutely outrageous, but typical.

Anyway, I was sitting there enjoying the moment at the pizza joint, and this big group of guys comes out on the patio and takes it over. I kind of looked at them with hostility - the moment broken - but they poured me another beer and we talked for an hour or so. People are so friendly out here. It's like they really want to know you. I don't know why that surprises me so much.

7/10

Well, I got the car home. It's very exciting! Loralie drove me over to the dealership today and I got it home, stalling out only once. It was empty when I bought it, so the salesman drove me to a gas station and filled it up. Pretty funny. I think I'll put a sign in the back - "learning, don't honk!" I think I'm going to like this. Now I need to sell the other one.

Oh, I forgot to mention that I finally made a friend. Yeah! Her name is Jeanna, and she lives here in town. She's only 19, but I kind of gather from my forays into the local bars that I won't want to spend a lot of time in them anyway. I volunteered at this event put on by parks and rec the other weekend, and she was working there too. She was the only other person in a tie-dyed tee.

7/16

I was sad to see my old car go. That car got me through college and beyond. It was a good car. It's funny that I expend all this emotional energy over inanimate objects, but I can't get close to people. I'm a fool to misplace my priorities so.

I guess my best memory in that car was when it got stuck in the mud on Arcosanti's road. Mick and Jim pushed it while I tried the engine. I called my insurance company to see if they'd cover the cost of the towing but they said, "how can it possibly rain in Arizona?" Idiots. It rains a lot in Arizona. John ended up towing it out for me, gratis. Bent the chrome.

7/21

Well, I don't qualify for food stamps. Piss me off! Even though I owe on the car, I don't qualify because it's value is too high. I should've applied before I bought it. Loralie asked me why I said I had the car on the forms. I just didn't know any better than to tell the truth. God damn this pisses me off. They sent me to Catholic Charities. Great. My parents tithe so I can eat. Is that messed up or what?

I needed a new car. I couldn't risk driving out on the res or in the forests around here and stalling out. Especially since that convict is still loose out there. I could be in a serious bad way if something happened to my car. Winslow's 60 miles from Flagstaff and 128 from Gallup. I needed a reliable car! So now I'm punished. Our government is so screwed up - it doesn't make any sense to subsidize VISTAs with public assistance benefits anyway. Why do we have to be so poor? We're performing a public service!

Well, the good news is I did get assistance to cover a few months worth of electricity and the basic charges on my telephone.

7/23

I miss Mick. I miss civilization. I hate it here. I can't believe I'm only 1/5 of the way through my year. It just sucks to be me.

I'm learning how to cope with poverty. I've gotten friendly with this checker at the Safeway. I've been eating tons of cantaloupe lately because it's really cheap here for some reason. 4 lbs for $1! Crazy cheap. Anyway, I made some comment to the checker about wanting to get in shape but being broke. It turns out she teaches aerobics and said I can come for free. Also, my car got towed for illegal parking, but I got it back without charge because I'm pitiful. It also helped that I'm white and female. Furthermore, I can park it there without problems from now on. I hate to use my feminine wiles to get ahead. I think it hurts all women. But I don't mind using my VISTA status for a few benefits. Poverty sucks. It no longer has this romantic cachet for me. Slumming was fun at Arcosanti because my costs were low, and I had savings. Now I'm living hand to mouth and it bites. Mom and dad said I can pay back my car loan post-VISTA, so I'll have $70 more a month. A veritable windfall.

7/26

Went to a sweat today with Jeanna. There was some ceremony going on for Black Mountain - this dispute over mining and Indian land rights. It was a New Age event. Blecch. Tried not to let those weirdoes affect my interest in the happenings. They're too earnest, you know? There's just this thing I don't like about New Agers. Anyway, it was cool to go in a sweat lodge, and hear the songs and ceremony. It was so incredibly hot in there - it was women only, and our leader wanted to prove we could take it hot, so we had some twenty stones. They pile them in the center of the floor. They are so hot they glow. God, I thought I'd die.

The woman leading the sweat told us that if we were hot, we should lay down and ask Mother Earth to cool us. She also said we could rub the earth on our bodies. I did all of this, and emerged from the sweat lodge bright red and muddy, with little bits of grass stuck to me. I looked like some of the Kachinas I've seen. I hope that's not irreverent.

The sweat seems to have improved my skin a lot, more than other saunas I've been in. This sweat was long and dry, and there were herbs and words that tied all up in the ceremony. It was a trial to stay in there, but I think it was worth it. I guess there are moments which are making up for long expanses of loneliness and frustration here.

Kind of interesting, it turns out that Jeanna is part Ojibwa. She didn't tell me, but a couple of the Indians asked her if she was Native American. Funny they could tell, 'cause she looks pure Anglo to me. It turns out she's a quarter black too. Jeanna has all these loans to go to NAU in Flagstaff, and I can't comprehend it. If I were black or Native American, I'd claim it and collect grants.

Being poor has made me greedy, and being poor has made her proud.

7/31

Work really sucks. This project is a co-operative, but I'm doing all the work. My supervisor (Del) is out of the office almost constantly, while Loralie looks to me for guidance. I don't want so much responsibility. I didn't want to be the one pulling the cart, I wanted to be one of a team. This project has such an enormous scope, I can't possibly do this myself.

Loralie is sweet but her personal life is a mess. Her husband beat her and drank all their money away, so she's trying to divorce him now. Only she can't find him so he can't be served papers. He stole her truck, then claimed her children on his income tax. Without the tax refund, she can't afford another car. And they're not even his kids! This is just part of what's going on in her life. It's really operatic.

The thing is, and I know this sounds cold, but if she can't focus on work then she should be on leave until she gets it together. She distracts and depresses me, and now she's becoming dependent on me. I'm already unhappy and this just drags me down. I gave her a bunch of books I had, like Codependent No More. I don't know when she'll have the time to read them, but I think they'd be helpful.

8/5

Mom's b-day. Gave her a call. I miss them so much! GOD, I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE! I feel like Sylvia Plath. Sylvia Plath with a toaster oven.

I read a lot of papers at work. I'm supposed to look for info that might be of use to our project. So I read the Arizona Republic, the Flagstaff Sun, the Navajo Times, the Gallup Independent, the Winslow Press, the Navahopi Observer, and the Reminder.

The Reminder is just a bunch of ads and messages printed on copy paper and delivered free all over town. There are no articles. I always look for it because it's really the town bulletin board. The Reminder contains information on garage sales, public meetings, birth announcements, highschool sports schedules, guitar lessons, what have you. It tells you a hell of a lot more about who lives in Winslow than the Winslow Press does. The Winslow Pressis really a waste of paper. I barely skim it. My favorite paper is the Flagstaff Sun. I can do the crosswords and they carry "Calvin and Hobbes." The Navajo Times is not that interesting to me, although I like the editorials. I send a lot of letters to the editor, and sometimes they print them. The Republic is owned by Dan Qualye's family and represents him well, which is to say it's right-wing, uninformed, and makes a lot of mistakes. Ha!

The papers are my tie to the world out there. I don't have TV and the only radio stations I can get are country or KTNN. KTNN broadcasts in Navajo and plays a lot of drum and chant music when it's not playing country. Thank God for my tape collection.

8/10

Mick will be here in 3 days. I can't wait! I'm going to have a visitor! I have all these activities planned for us. I can go places and share them with someone!

The Gallup Ceremonial is this weekend but I doubt we'll go. I don't think we'll want to fight traffic. It's a big, big, pow- wow, with lots of music, dancing, and sales. Pow-wows, like rodeos, tend to be all the same. Only someone with the mentality of a sports fan could watch many of them. They are also big social shindigs, but who do I know?

8/31

My bro's b-day. Called him and he's okay. He's always depressed and complaining. Like Loralie. Like me. It's exhausting to be someone's rock. Yeah, as though.

Mick and I went to the Mogollon Rim. There must have been a fire there a few years back. Many of the trees were blackened and bare. It looked spooky. It's amazing there can be so many trees so close to the desert. That's Arizona.

I hated taking Mick to the bus station (which is just a trailer in the Burger King parking lot). He breezed in here and brought me hope and love again, after a dearth of both. Then he's gone.

I really need to get on with my life. I can't believe I'm still in love with him. It's over. It was over when we left Arcosanti. It was over when he hit me. It was over when I became afraid of him. But I see that side so infrequently, especially now that we live apart. It's easier to idealize him. It's safe.

I wonder if it was like that for Loralie once. Her husband gets violent when he drinks. Mick gets violent when he gets mad; he's insipid when he drinks.

Mick, why'd you have to come here? Why did I have to feel again, when my feelings for you had faded over these past 3 months? Now I'll miss you all over again.

I just wanted hope.

9/2

Mom and dad are coming out!!!!!!! Yes!!!!! I can't wait! I can't wait! I'm so lonely, especially now that Jeanna has gone back to school in Flagstaff. It's only an hour, so I can visit on weekends, but I can't exactly move into her dorm with her.

Mom and dad will be here in time for the Navajo Nation fair. That'll be cool. I haven't been to Window Rock since the Fourth of July. Loralie and I went there for a concert (country, of course) and slept in my car. I was just about the only Anglo in the audience.

9/18

I stumped my toe on my radio and broke it. Great move. I was hurrying to get ready to leave with mom and dad. It makes walking uncomfortable, to say the least. I had to ice it after the fair. I can only wear sandals now, because pressure smarts. The toe can't be set, so I wear two pairs of socks and my Tevas. Oh yeah, I'm a fashion plate. Surely it's symbolic that I broke the toe that goes "Whee! all that way home!"

Hillary Clinton was in the Navajo Nation parade. I was really surprised. Dad was aggrieved to hear mom and I yell "Go Hillary!" I think Hillary was surprised too, because no one else seemed to recognize her, or care. Not too many Navajos vote in either tribal or federal elections.

We also went to a Squaw Dance for Loralie's cousin. We brought coffee, flour, baking soda, the usual gifts. We ate hominy and fry bread. I don't think dad was too comfortable there, especially when they slaughtered a sheep and the kids ran around with the head. I'm not keen on gore, but I've adjusted to being the only Anglo for miles round. Mom and I wore skirts 'cause it's not kosher to run about bare-legged to the thigh.

I cried again when they left. Normally, I don't cry this much. I was never homesick in college.

10/1

Jesus, it's October. I am so sick of Winslow, my job, being lonely, dealing with the prejudices of the locals, and the apathy of the Indians. I need to go away! I need to be pulled out of this pocket of the world for a spell.

For the Anglos - I'm not Mormom, so I'm pagan. I'm not racist, so I'm suspect. I'm not married, so I'm gay. I'm childless, so I'm barren. It's so nice that these people have me all figured out. If only the world was so simple.

For the Navajos - I'm an outsider. Period. They don't understand why I rail about time. One year is a blink. I'll be gone and nothing will have been accomplished. Life goes on. Why should they put any stock or effort in my ideas?

This committee and I organized a big social event called a "Song and Dance," and we lost money on it. Lots of money. All Loralie had to say was, "White people value money too much." No shit. If the co-op has no money, we'll collapse. She said it was more important to have a good time and to see everybody. It's not like we planned a family reunion. Besides all this, I was criticized for wearing jeans instead of a skirt, and for buying baking soda instead of baking powder (dancer gifts). It's a big joke now.

I've lived all over the world, but I can't live here.

In the Peace Corps, you're prepared for culture shock. In VISTA, you're not. It's all the USA. I was prepared for the Navajos to be different, but not the whites. Fighting the resistance of both is too much for me. There, I said it. I'm no good at this. Now let me go home.

10/14

Went to San Diego over the weekend. Brian is engaged. No going back there anymore. Seeing him was interesting, though. I left LA a year ago, and San Diego a year before that. It was time for him to find someone else. He wanted to marry me; that's why I left.

I ate fish, walked on the beach, watched the sun set over the Pacific, went to a movie on a big screen, enjoyed being alive.

It was also the Quincentennial of Columbus landing. Guess there was a small demonstration in Window Rock over that. I kind of expected a bigger deal, but none was to be had.

10/26

Loralie and I had a big fight today. Enough already, where do you draw the line? I got a grant and made travel arragnements so one of us could attend this big conference in St. Paul. I wanted to go, but I figured this was a real chance for her. I can go to St. Paul anytime, no big deal, right? Well, she missed the plane and missed the key part of the conference, then spent all the money she was supposed to use on taxis, food, etc. on gifts for her family. Besides this, Del gave her an extra $100 out of the co-op fund without telling me. The grant was more than adequate. This is not acceptable! I told them that in the corporate world what she did is called embezzling. It'll never be paid back.

10/31

Halloween. Strange satanic ritual day for most Winslowites. There have been all kinds of notices in the Reminder and the Press for a "safe alternative" event where there will be "documentary" films exposing the dangers of this satanic festival. Learn how to protect your kids from evil influences! Oh, please. I guess I really am pagan. Celtic and proud!

I love Halloween but I'm home because, with all the drunks out, the roads will be worse than usual. Insurance rates are killing me here. I could've visited Jeanna in Flagstaff, but I declined. She's a sophomore in college, and she enjoys the kinds of things I enjoyed then. Getting wasted, getting laid, being stupid. That's not a part of my youth I would like to recapture.

Saw Mick last weekend and it was different. He lives in a dorm, as does Jeanna. I feel old and stodgy. I can't relate to them as undergrads. If they were older, if I were younger... if what?

11/3

I called the VISTA state office today to see if I can get transferred. NO! NO TRANSFERS. I'm stuck. Oh, GOD!

Actually there are three clauses regarding transfers. I just have to couch my case so it's sounds as though it qualifies. I'm really not happy about this. Nothing is ever easy when it comes to VISTA.

Anyway, I looked at the clauses and wrote a letter trying to get my point across. I have three major complaints. One, Del is never around, so there is no direction or leadership. VISTAs are supposed to be supervised, so that was one of the clauses. Two, Loralie is not pulling her weight. I don't know if that qualifies, but it's hard to do this project with two VISTAs, and one is impossible. Three, I am not doing the kind of work I was contracted to do. This is another one of the clauses. VISTA Volunteers have a job description, called a Memorandum of Agreement (MOA), and it states what each volunteer needs to accomplish in a year. My MOA doesn't reflect what I'm doing, and of course, Loralie's goals won't be met either.

The third clause states, among other things, that the volunteer must have at least four months of service left to be considered for a transfer. I do.

11/7

The VISTA person, Perry, called my supervisor about the info in my letter. Apparently it is a big, big deal for VISTAs to do something other than what is in the MOA. Perry didn't really know what we were doing up here because Del sends down reports which make it look as though the project is on track. He isn't lying; things are getting done. But Del is the one doing them, while Loralie and I do all kinds of tasks which the co-op members should be doing. So Perry knows something is amiss, but he doesn't know who to believe - Del or me.

If I can't transfer now, I'm doomed.

In other news, Loralie has missed about eight out of the past ten days. She just stopped coming in. No calls, no nothing. No answer at home. Is this about our fight?

11/12

Del asked me to resign because I am "disruptive." I said no. I told him that between Loralie and I, I was the one who was getting things done. "If you were here, then you would know that she isn't!" I said. Apparently, she had some family crisis and he knew about it. Oh. I felt kind of badly about that.

We talked for a long while and he really came to see my point of view. Or appeared to. He is a chameleon. I was pleased, but I resented having to defend myself. Anyway, I finally said I wouldn't resign now, but I would leave after the new year. I have much to do to arrange relocating and getting a job, etc.

I'm not happy.

11/18P> I fell into quicksand once. Well, I walked into it, and before I knew it, was sunk to my knees. Then I hit bottom and stopped. This all happened in about one nanosecond. I was talking to Mick, then all of a sudden, I was looking at his chest. He pulled me out and we kept hiking. Quicksand doesn't look different than the rest of the ground. That's why you don't see it.

Life is full of strange things like that. The latest is that our VISTA contract expired. The VISTA grants that give projects money and volunteers need to be renewed annually. In light of recent problems, Del is not sure he wants to renew. Perry would want to see some major changes about what's going down on the scene. So I may be out of a job sooner than I thought.

My ulcers are bothering me. I've been on Tagamet since the start of the month. Even still, I can hardly eat. I remember when my brother's ulcers were bothering him, he just drank a bottle of Maalox a day, and cut back to beer. But his ulcers bled, and mine just cause me to double over and scream in agony.

The good news is that my toe has healed so I can start aerobics again. I started back a little too soon a couple weeks ago, so was set back.

11/23

I was told not to come back to work until Perry and Del work out whether there will be a grant renewal. So I get an extra long Thanksgiving. I'm going to Arcosanti, and Mick will be joining me there. It's been a while since I've seen him. I don't know how we'll be together. So much has changed since we lived there.

11/30

"Reality is having gas in the car." I like that expression. One of the co-op members made this remark when we had a meeting to discuss the co-op's direction. This co-op, which was to help Native Americans sell their art direct to the public, was trying to get the artists to work together and construct a retail center. Then they wouldn't need trading posts and other rip-off stations. But it would mean contributing money and materials and waiting for cash to come later, when things were rolling and working well.

"Reality is gas in the car" means that the artists can't wait for the money to come in. They sell their work to keep up, not to get ahead. Given this basic fact, I think this project was really inappropriate for the needs of the people we served here.

Yes, I'm speaking in past tense, because it's all over now. My project will not be renewing its VISTA grant. I said good-bye to Del and Loralie today when I went to get my computer and some files from the office. I placed a good-bye message in the Reminder because I'll never see the co-op members again.

Perry called me and he said - guess what? - I can transfer now. Fucking great, after I go through hell and lose ten pounds! It seems that when a grant expires before the volunteer's one-year term, the government needs to fulfill the contract and relocate the volunteer. Loralie decided to resign instead of move to another project. Well, I'll take the transfer. It requires less thought than pursuing a job at this point, three weeks before Christmas.

You know, I feel tremendously guilty, like I did a bad thing in writing to Perry. I didn't know what the consequences would be. I feel like I destroyed something I had no right to destroy. But most people I talk to say, "Jesus, would you look at all you did and accomplished there?" Maybe distance is all I need to get a perspective on these past seven months.

12/10

Well, they found me a project in Tucson. I'll be moving there this weekend. Mick is coming up to drive down with me. I won't be living with him there. I'm not sure where I'll live, but I'll stay with another VISTA I know down there. I met her at my PSO, but she quit a few months after we started. She hated her project too. I'm so soured on VISTA, I only hope I can make it through my year.

All those trees I saw at the Mogollon Rim, burnt and bare, but still standing. That's how I feel.

4/8

Tucson's been great. I really love my work down here, and I am finally neither lonely nor bored. I've met a lot of VISTA's working all over the city, and found some connection to VISTA through that. I'm not working alone anymore.

I do a lot of activities through the U. of A. too. Not with Mick though. That ended violently, which was predictable. But I'll be leaving here when my VISTA term is up. When I'm away from here, I'll feel safe again. I'll learn to trust again.

I went back to Winslow the other week. Jeanna and I went camping near Zion, and we picked up some camping equipment at her parent's house. Winslow hadn't changed much, except, according to the Winslow Press, the town now has 911 service. That'll be handy. Lots of accidents around there.

I'm glad I transferred - it's turned a bad experience around. I've found that I can do really well and accomplish a tremendous amount, given the right conditions. I couldn't live in a small town and I couldn't work uphill. But I can live in a city and work as part of a team. It's important to know your limitations, and I have learned mine.